For many of our gay brothers and sisters, Halloween is better than Christmas. Slap on some wire glasses, draw a thunderbolt on your forehead and suddenly the otherwise boring barista becomes Harry Potter for the night. Strap on some hooker boots, a blond wig and a blue mini skirt and the quiet guy at the Whole Foods olive bar becomes Julia Roberts circa Pretty Woman.
You’re trying to picture that now aren’t you? If you aren’t, you are trying to figure out why the olive bar at Whole Foods needs a full time attendant.
The truth is (queue the gay gasps) we don’t like Halloween at all. While people are out tossing eggs at cars and launching perfectly good two-ply toilet paper into trees, we prefer to sit at home in the dark double fisting peanut butter cups.
Why go through all of that hard work of begging for your candy when you can buy your own damn bag and eat it in your sweatpants while watching chuckle-worthy horror flicks? Save yourself the face paint and fake blood and take the easy way out.
If you’d prefer to work for your candy, go ahead and make these.
4 egg whites
½ tsp cream of tartar
½ tsp of vanilla
1 cup of sugar
Preheat the oven to 200 degrees, and set out a baking sheet with parchment paper.
In your mixer, whip the four egg whites on medium speed until they turn frothy and then add the cream of tartar. Turn speed up to high. When the eggs begin to build in volume, begin to add the sugar at a slow pace.
When firm peaks form, toss in the vanilla and continue to beat until the meringue is voluminous and clings to the paddle, about 5 minutes.
In an ideal world you would be a four-star pastry chef that mastered the use of a pastry bag in a three-credit course you took while spending the summer in Paris. We say this because it appears to be easier to remove your own appendix or to teach table manners to a llama than to successfully use a pastry bag to form the meringue into perfectly formed ghosts.
Don’t even bother. We tried. We failed.
Instead, take a small spoon and scoop a generous mound onto the parchment paper and swirl until it takes on a ghost-like shape. Our’s weren’t perfect, but people aren’t perfect so their ghosts shouldn’t be either, right?
Bake on a center rack for 1 ½ hours until firm and set aside to cool on the pan for another hour. We used food coloring to make the eyes.
Then turn on AMC. They are most likely showing either Rob Zombie’s version of Halloween, I Know What You Did Last Summer or the quintessential teen horror film from the 90’s, Scream.
What could be better than that?